#0035

A breath away
Yet too far to reach.
Excruciating anxiety
To fill these empty arms,
To live each moment for you,
To grant every wish;
Knowing you'll take five
And return me six, seven, eight...
Maybe more.
Undeserved yet gratefully received.
Somewhere along the way
Heaven sent you.

#0034

They've misused
and neglected
and scorned
and criticised
and compared
and lied
and injured
and betrayed
and mistreated
and denied
and afflicted
and discarded when I didn't play their game.
Yet all of this time, my shining star moved ahead
And fool that I was I neglected and betrayed.
I hid the truth and listed pros and cons
Ignoring the hurt that I was causing
To someone I loved.
And all because you weren't here.
All because I lacked patience
and faith...
and hope.
Wrapped in a black sheet carrying my burden;
The one that I placed upon you.
Oh, love, if you come back and lift it
My heart will break.
When I see your nature, your love,
I will pray for your anger to deal out my penalty.
Yet, if it so be that you calm my spirit
And envelope me in your tender mercy
And whisper to me sweet forgiveness...
I will follow you to the ends of the earth.
As you tread in the footsteps of the Master forgiver
Allow me to be just a step behind.
Walking in the shadow or sun.
Wind or rain or snow.
Let me learn from the way you walk.
In His light.

#0033

On the subject of friendship
I've heard it told
That it is worth much more
Than rubies or gold;
For they pick you up
When over you fall-
But more often I find
They just laugh at it all!
I wait for somebody
To lend me a hand
And discover they're finding it
Hard just to stand!
Why are they laughing-
Such noises of glee!-
When something unpleasant
Has happened to me?
A peculiar image
Comes into my mind
And I realise that they
Are not being unkind.
I see how ridiculous
I look on the floor
So I laugh along with them
And try to ignore
The injuries of ego;
They put arms around me
Talk to me about it
'Til I soon agree
That it was hilarious
No harm and no tears!
The best medicine's laughter
It works through the years!
Friendship is vital
To take us through life,
To keep us laughing
Even in strife!
And what could be worth more
Than that in the end?
To have friends around us
And in return, be a friend.

#0032

The indecision on your face is, at times, my favourite sight.
It delights me to know that you're on a knife's edge;
Eyes flick to hate or disapproval
But the corners of your mouth turn up.
You just can't help but smile at me
And my unreasonable nature.

The distraction sets in and our topic of conversation switches.
It moves quickly to talking about you and me;
But it's all hypothetical, of course.
Though we love each other... platonically!
You know I would hate to lose you
And vice versa.

#0031

Don't flatter yourself that it's about you
All you are is a catalyst,
A vector,
To my
loneliness.

Legs suddenly shaking and I have to sit down
Absorb the meaning of it all,
the implications
Of the news.

I was right to leave your cold arms where you slept
And wander out into the unsure night
To find more than this;
A shooting star.

My ragged breaths betray my calm exterior
Yet at least (ironically!) no one sees
The tears that fall.
I am
alone

Except for the pounding in my head and heart
Through the sudden burst of anxiety.
The rest of the world rushes on.
I am left behind.

But just when I think no one can understand my heartache
I remember that life is not so hopeless
As it can seem, and off the chair
I fall to my knees.

#0030

I bless the moment that didn't pass
Until we had finally met
It seems as though my soul knew yours
But how did we come to forget?
You give such meaning to my life;
I know we were meant to be friends
But I'm hoping that, my valentine,
This is not where the story ends.
You've awoken hope in me
For the joy that the future holds
And patiently, now, I'm waiting
Until that sweet moment unfolds.
I'm learning from you, through the letters you send
And the love that you constantly give;
You show me the selflessness that's central to
The way I would wish us to live.
I'm seeing the way love has its affects
On the people I care about most
Time separates hearts for a brief interlude,
But love doesn't give up the ghost.
I'm coming to know myself inside and out
And on your return you will find
A person who'll walk alongside you;
A woman who knows her own mind.
On this day, know I love you with all that I am
And everything I will soon be,
You are such an example;
My favourite missionary!

#0029

How to eliminate anxiety.

Paint your nails with the varnish you got free with the magazine.
Flop on the bed and nonchanlantly distract yourself by wondering what colour to redecorate your room.
Consider calming greens.
Pretend you own a pegasus. Light a candle and lie on your back.
Melting away in the flickering light.
Befriend denial.
Remember: If you don't think of it, it is powerless.
Imagine sitting outside a colourful beach house.
On a deckchair.
The sun beating down on your face.
Lock yourself in the bathroom creating the warmth by running a long hot bath.
Finally, slip under the blissful waters.

#0028

I no longer wrap love around me like a comfort blanket
Which, if withdrawn, promotes anxious cries
As though I am mortally wounded.
I had hidden under it
Not knowing what monsters lurked outside,
And not daring even to peek.

It was pulled from me

And I was forced to confront myself.

Numbness was no longer an option.

Dragged to my feet by the violence
Of the loss of your affections.

And, yes, I screamed. I cried. I kicked out.
I felt the unbearable weight pressing down on me.
You'd shielded me from that weight until my muscles atrophied;
The strength I once knew, forgotten.

The pain of imposed cold turkey.

Charged with the task of facing up to it.
Somehow I found I could.

Charged with forgiving and forgetting.
It took me longer to get to my feet.

Yet, as I stand here and realise that love should not bind
Or fill my mind with doubt and indecision;
That central to love is trust
And that goes both ways-
I look down at the floor,
My aid and succor,
And realise the thing I had over me
Was a straight jacket...

I'm finally safe in my own skin.
I can breathe, unrestrained.
I can beat the monsters now
From this new standing position.
Free to thrive.
Free to wrap my arms around someone
Instead of being wrap up and left to rot
In your supposed love.
I leave you where you lie on the floor.
I walk away.
Into the light.