Sonnet 002

It seems that I have wandered long again
Into this lonely wood, intrigued by shade
I tossed aside my torch and forest guide
To walk a path that's neither set nor paved.
I bask in solitude- a faithful friend,
Seeking for adventure amongst the trees
I cast aside all previous advice
Perspective becomes dimmer, blurred by leaves. 
I can no longer see the wood for trees.
There are no butterflies as I had thought
Or serene glades where sunlight often falls
And this is where myself my feet have brought.
Oh hear the darkness gently enfold
As whispered secrets all around are told.

#0043

"I don't want you to come along with me-
It will only be a waste of your time."
She smiled bravely, Walking out of the door
And I am left there, breathless, wondering
How time could possibly be more vital
Than being there to find out how you are.

I know that you suffer and cry; you cough
It jolts me wide awake every morning.
You've gone to him with a list; You've lost weight
But there's no way you'll go back to the drugs
I hope that he will make you see some sense
I wonder if he wonders about us;
And whether we're supporting you enough.

You've been my heroine when I was lost.
For years now it's been easy to ignore
This bubbling; under the smiling surface.
You look worn out and I start to wonder
If you are tired of this pretending game.

Is it grief that has caused this awful change?
As you watched him descend gradually deep
Into the sleep that separates him now
Did you take it into your heart to not
Be very far behind him? Please don't go...
This is always a loving daughter's place:

To deny sleep's claim on the ones we need.

#0042

The words swirl round my brain
And I try to capture them-
Gleevac-
Angiogenic switch-
Kaposi's sarcoma-
Constituitively active-
Ideas that are unconnected
Yet form the things I must remember
And know.
This isn't just to stop
My heart from racing in a tachycardic terror
Pushing me close to vasovagal syncope
In the middle of the exam room
As my optic nerves feed the questions through
The optic chiasm and across the optic tract
and radiation to the occipital lobe of my brain;
relaying it to the cortex for processing-
A bit of frontal lobe involvement in the
Planning of my answer.

Not just for that- but so I can apply it.

So that when a young person sits in front of me
With a face distraught after terrible news
I can explain it.
I can talk through it with surety.
I can recall the first confusing memories
And know that she too will live
To talk with great clarity about things
She does not now understand-
In the face of this horrible dream.

#0041

I read of your miracles
I learned of your word
Yet all of this time
Your voice went unheard.
I stumbled through darkness
Searching for a hand
Someone to reach down
And help me to stand.
Yet patiently watching
Until I prepared
He knew I was lonely
He knew I was scared.
He stood knocking
At my closed door;
Before long my hard heart
Just could not ignore
The feeling that I was
A stranger on earth.
The greatest miracle
Was my second birth;
In a single instant
It couldn't be done
He worked on my heart
Til He knew it was won.
He took me on a journey
To His Calvary
Where He gave so much
So that I could be free.
That love and that mercy
I can't understand
When He suffered pain
Mortals could not withstand.
To think that He conquered
Sin and death for all men;
So that we can be with
Our loved ones again
And so we can experience
That changing of heart
Where commandments aren't burdens
And living well is an art.
We present our masterpiece
At the end of the day
And He'll see from our lives
If we've walked in his way.
Redeemer and Saviour,
Father and God,
Help me to follow the path
That you trod.

#0040

And exactly what is it
That gives you the right
To invade my thoughts and dreams?
Trust me when I say
You certainly haven't been missed.
Perhaps that seems unkind
But you packed up your cares
And all your emotions were
Swept off the table into a black bag.
Except the necklace
Which I wear as a trophy-
Symbol of survival.
You appear to be a bystander,
No longer involved in
The body of my dream,
But you haven't been expelled either.
I wish no harm upon you
Yet the bubble of the dream form
Could be phagocytosed and burst
Without tears falling.
Please leave.
I no longer recall the last time
I saw you in person,
Oh yes- it was as a mere acquaintance.
Which does not give you the right
To invade my thoughts or dreams.
So- be gone!
All the negative moments of my life
Are inseparably connected with you.
Soon, you won't even have that claim.
Figment of a rapid-sleep.
Disperse in the air
Like tiny fragments
Floating on the breeze
Dissolving into the atmosphere
Until you cannot be seen or heard;
Concentrated no more.