#0060

In the deepest part of my heart
Lives a girl still devoted to you. 
I am never aware of her as she sleeps
But when she stirs a hollow ache
Drifts through the town
Where she lives and breathes you. 


The pain that she causes numbs and chills
But I think I detect a weakness in her.
As time goes on she sleeps more and more. 
Her skin, once lovely and full of joy,
Becomes grey and pale as she loses youth. 
She wakes less and is stiller in sleep. 


In the deepest part of my heart
She used to be actively running around
Yet now she wakes only when she hears
A distant familiar melody. 
It calls her straight to the station
Of her dutiful longing. 


I wonder if there's a boy in your heart
That still pays his devotion to me. 
He may be fading but part of him 
Will slumber there in your bosom forever. 
His ghost drifting through the town,
Passing more vibrant youths. 

#0059

Here we lie
Together on this green pasture
With darkness embracing us
And night songs playing.

I am awestruck
And point out all the stars
As we look together, more appear.
My heart leaps with each light.

Overcome, I prophesy
Of the endless opportunities there are.
I express a wish to visit each star
To catch the glow.

You listen in the stillness
Terrestrial thoughts overruled
By a sudden desire to reach beyond.
Your eyes sparkle afresh.

Reach upwards;
Convinced by my confidence in
Possessing each star,
You rise up to try.

Soon you have finger-tips stretched
Towards the heavens, as sweat permeates your brow.
Frustration grows as you take my encouragement for criticism.
With one big sigh, your arms drop.

I watch as you squint
Trying to see things another way,
Erasing the stars; ignoring their beauty.
My vision of the sky is clear as ever.

Our gazes are no longer fixed
On the same point.
I still want us to visit the stars
Even if it takes forever.

You tell me stretching hurts you;
That you no longer want stars
And I watch as the light fades
And you pull the blanket over your head.

Blitz 001

Blue bird that sings
Blue tears that fall 
Fall in love
Fall for it all. 
All the king's horses
All the king's men
Men who fight monsters
Men of the glen. 
Glen filled with beauty
Glen shrouded in skies
Skies that cloud over
Skies set to cry. 
Cry over losses
Cry out my name
Name all the creatures,
Name of the game. 
Game of your choosing
Game that you play. 
Play in the sunshine
Play during day. 
Day turns to nighttime
Day fades to dark
Dark are the hours
Dark in the park. 
Park next to me
Park so we can kiss
Kiss me so sweetly
Kiss full of bliss. 
Bliss turns to horror
Bliss fades as I wake
Wake up to realise
Wake to my mistake. 
Mistake me for someone
Mistake what I mean
Mean that you love me or
Mean you have been. 
Been to the mountains
Been searching for you
You kept evading 
You always knew; 
Knew that I followed
Knew I would be loyal
Loyal as I could be
Loyal to the royal; 
Royal spirit inside me
Royal heart that is bold
Bold successes
Bold future ahead. 
Successes
Ahead.

#0058 in iambic pentameter

I do not know how I can find a smile,
As your love leaves my bossom for a while.
The past is far behind and we pretend
That you were not my lover or my friend.
We did not clasp and we did not embrace
Or see the love light in eachother's face.
We did not kiss upon the forest floor;
All memories of this kind, we ignore.
Feelings we freely shared we now deny
Yet, I just wanted to stare at you and cry
For the sweet wonder of what might have been
And seemed so in that woodland, bright and green.

#0057

There was a time when you were frightened of losing me,
Just as I am now afraid that the hand has slipped my grasp.
The sickness I feel that you might love another one day
Was rising in your belly; hot, green envy.
Yet you act like you do not understand at all
Why the uncertainty is maiming my life.
The forget-me-nots lie on your compost heap
As I decay in your memory; beauty fading
Until it appears that it was never there at all.
I was never something that you wanted.
Promises turned out to be built on clay,
Subsiding and forming huge cracks along stress points.

You seem conflicted and torn between impulses;
To throw me out into the rain without a coat
Or to wrap sturdy arms around me and console me.
The more your heart is touched, and nearly turned,
The more intent you seem on destroying this contagion
That once blighted your life and will do so again
If only the feverish love was allowed to take hold.
The passion of my adoration disgusts you.
You wash your hands of every word, deed and look.
How like Pilate you are, when you betray our love
For the honour of men and for stubborn pride.
I offer all I have and it is not enough.

#0056

You were a lie I told myself,
As I wrapped your heart around me
And dreamed ignorantly of children
With faces like yours.

You were a lie I told myself
When your sweet nothings, whispered to me,
Became elusive and mechanical.
Sweet "nothing" indeed.

You were a lie I told myself;
While others paled in comparison to the pedestal
On which I'd seated you,
And it was a lie.

You were a lie, I told myself...
And it nearly stopped the tears.

#0055

I hold your life here in my hand.
A pile of scribbled lines, barely legible.
I see the birth of your first child.
I see heartaches and joys.
I hear concerned relatives whisper reverently
In the corridor outside your room.
There's the build up of panic and investigations;
Frequent examinations;
Reports, referrals;
As they seek your label desperately-
As though their lives depended on it.
The satisfied crescendo as they stamp upon you
The achieved diagnosis.
It's the result of investigations
And the way you have lived.
The smoke you drank in;
15 a day; 10 a day; 5 a day;
You never suspected the course you charted.
Yet I hold it here, in my hand,
Clear to me from page one.

#0054

Wanting to look him in the eye
And tell him that he was wrong about me
Yet, in that very wish
I betray myself.

Even light casts shadows.
Your love. My memories.
Stolen moments where I glance back
To check the grass on the other side.

#0053

Words like Mortality and Morbidity
Thrown around
Like juggling balls.
Eyes that hold back tears.
Eyes that no longer form tears.
Desensitisation.
Desperate clawing for truth;
Healing...
Sense.
A world with no arbitrary restrictions--
No more tickets to curtail your travel--
No time.
Just bounteous swaths of possibilities.
Unlimited by constraints.
Mortality.
No more a creature of dust
Covered by bacteria.
Every cell my own.
Awakening to a life apart.
An endless journey upward.

#0052

I continuously think of your welfare
Over my own.
I will learn to take care of our daily lives
As much as I am able.
I will accept your opinion
In humility,
And kindly do anything you need.
I love you...
Enough to forget the past
Remembering only this feeling,
This quiet assurance
That tells me I could be...
And that I should be...
Yours.

#0051

Well, I guess that's it;
Door closed.
And who can tell who shut it?
You or I?
The heavy thud of wood on wood.
The narrow escape of my face
And my heart.

It may be that I rejected your hand;
I held up my head, walking tall
Towards an anticipated future.
I didn't turn back to look where you stood
And as you tried to run beside me
I brushed you away...
So, I suppose it was only right
That you should stick out your foot
And trip me...

As my head hit the mud
I was elated at your victory.
How right it was that I should land at your feet.

I don't know how long I should lie here
Before attempting to stand.
Perhaps I will lie in the dirt
And make a pattern of it
As the sky cries to liquefy my solid ground.

#0050

Because it's unremarkable
I can pass through the day
More focused on the failures
Than the exalted triumphs.
Because I'm used to it-
The butterflies-
They've flown far away
To bless some other love.
Because life crowds my dreams
So you can't take centre stage,
To be my hero throughout;
So my dreams are solitary.

For all this, I love you no less
And significantly more
Than the first day I held you,
Tears flowing,
With the overwhelming power-
The sentiment that left me shaking-
Behind that first confession.
And you loved me back.

You've never made me doubt you-
Not for a moment-
Your sincerity and commitment
Has brought us to where we are today.

After the struggle,
Is it any wonder
We are too tired for butterflies?
Preferring just to breathe?
Each moment- each breath-
Is in honour of all that you are.
For, when I see in clarity,
Gazing forward into the heights-
The mountains to climb-
WE are the greatest achievement.

Because I could not hope for anything more.
Because butterflies are fleeting-
And we will fly forever.

#0049

Even my name betrays me
Because in it your memory echoes.
My letter and yours intwined-
The frantic merging of lines and lives.
I realise that I cannot look at me
Without seeing you.
The way you formed and shaped my heart
With hands that dealt disfiguring blows
Never catering for my relief.

#0048

You say it's not you;
It's me with whom the blame rests
For every word spoken out of place.
Who knew that your words
Could sliver across the page
Causing rain on my cheeks?
A grievance that I did not suspect-
A snake coiling, ready to spring
Grabbing the neck of the prey
And shaking.
Shaking;
My hands.
The dancing butterflies in my stomach
Are dull, grey moths
Adding weight to my stride
So my head hangs low.
In this dismal world I lose my place
And look for answers in the sky.
All I see as I gaze heavenward is blackness
Reaching down to consume the earth...
Yet as I look further into the depths
I see sparklings of light-
The beginnings of hope-
Leading me into the future
Reminding me of my place.
As you settle back to gather more venom
Ready to spring once more
I retreat into the stars
And heed their wisdom.

#0047

My toes are curled over the edge.
Founded on the rock beneath me
I slowly try and raise my courage
As I stare at the pool
Imagining the hysteria;

I'll hit the water and it will bite back
As I surface and grasp at the air
Intaking sharply as I am caught
Somewhere between paralysed numbness
And sore distress.

I stand with agonising indetermination.
Perhaps I'll wade in?
Or dip a toe to test it?
Yet, if I do I fear that a true paralysis
Will overtake me and cause me to turn away-
Turning from the blissful cool
Into the heat that is my current devil.

He beckons me.
Despite my fear
I decide to jump.
A leap of faith.
To numbness, distress, or bliss.
Who can tell? Baited breath until the water hits...

#0046

We laugh together and pray together,
We read together and watch together.
We talk of love and of the joy we'll have
Through those who bear the names we give them.
We speak of times that are passed,
Beautiful moments that have yet to come
Yet have every potential of existence;
The mundane and the enthralling.
I sit here in the warmth of my room
Listening to the rain pouring
And laugh at your stubbornness
Wondering how your cold will fare.
And it's in this still moment
After my brief chuckle
Where my heart is suddenly filled
With a fondness I cannot contain.
It's nothing really.
No remarkable insight into you and I.
It's happening at your expense, even!
But, I love you in the stillness.
I love your grim determination
That prevents you from turning back
To seek shelter and help.
I love your dark humour at your own predicament.
I love the care for me that prevents you
From 'putting me out' for a moment;
What an unlikely hero you are.
I embrace the stillness
And allow it to stoke the flames.

#0045

There it stands.
The house where once I lived.
It's empty now.
The guests we had over!
The laughter that was shared!
Yet, listen-

All is still.

I walk through-
Bare feet on the warm wood.
I glide along
Hearing the echoes that
Tell stories of distant days
Where we were happy.

Here- in this kitchen.
We sat, we ate,
We mused over our days,
We dreamed,
We sang and danced,
We pushed open the doors
To let the world in.
The world dragged you out
Leaving me here.

Exhausted by memories
I fall to my knees and return.
The bed where once we slept
Is the place I choose to drown
Buried in my sleep
Where dreams cannot conjure this house-
My prison.
Visions of what was; locking me in.
I never check on the green grass.
I stare at the ceiling instead.

#0044

How to break up in a manner that pains no one

Take a pinch of empathy
And sprinkle on the fish of the sea (add plenty more). 
Season with 'it's not you, it's me'.
Don't mix, just blend gently.
Allow it to simmer but don't let it boil.
Keep testing the mixture
After adding the oil
To check the separation.
Don't panic if it all goes wrong.
Take a deep breath and try again.

Sonnet 002

It seems that I have wandered long again
Into this lonely wood, intrigued by shade
I tossed aside my torch and forest guide
To walk a path that's neither set nor paved.
I bask in solitude- a faithful friend,
Seeking for adventure amongst the trees
I cast aside all previous advice
Perspective becomes dimmer, blurred by leaves. 
I can no longer see the wood for trees.
There are no butterflies as I had thought
Or serene glades where sunlight often falls
And this is where myself my feet have brought.
Oh hear the darkness gently enfold
As whispered secrets all around are told.

#0043

"I don't want you to come along with me-
It will only be a waste of your time."
She smiled bravely, Walking out of the door
And I am left there, breathless, wondering
How time could possibly be more vital
Than being there to find out how you are.

I know that you suffer and cry; you cough
It jolts me wide awake every morning.
You've gone to him with a list; You've lost weight
But there's no way you'll go back to the drugs
I hope that he will make you see some sense
I wonder if he wonders about us;
And whether we're supporting you enough.

You've been my heroine when I was lost.
For years now it's been easy to ignore
This bubbling; under the smiling surface.
You look worn out and I start to wonder
If you are tired of this pretending game.

Is it grief that has caused this awful change?
As you watched him descend gradually deep
Into the sleep that separates him now
Did you take it into your heart to not
Be very far behind him? Please don't go...
This is always a loving daughter's place:

To deny sleep's claim on the ones we need.

#0042

The words swirl round my brain
And I try to capture them-
Gleevac-
Angiogenic switch-
Kaposi's sarcoma-
Constituitively active-
Ideas that are unconnected
Yet form the things I must remember
And know.
This isn't just to stop
My heart from racing in a tachycardic terror
Pushing me close to vasovagal syncope
In the middle of the exam room
As my optic nerves feed the questions through
The optic chiasm and across the optic tract
and radiation to the occipital lobe of my brain;
relaying it to the cortex for processing-
A bit of frontal lobe involvement in the
Planning of my answer.

Not just for that- but so I can apply it.

So that when a young person sits in front of me
With a face distraught after terrible news
I can explain it.
I can talk through it with surety.
I can recall the first confusing memories
And know that she too will live
To talk with great clarity about things
She does not now understand-
In the face of this horrible dream.

#0041

I read of your miracles
I learned of your word
Yet all of this time
Your voice went unheard.
I stumbled through darkness
Searching for a hand
Someone to reach down
And help me to stand.
Yet patiently watching
Until I prepared
He knew I was lonely
He knew I was scared.
He stood knocking
At my closed door;
Before long my hard heart
Just could not ignore
The feeling that I was
A stranger on earth.
The greatest miracle
Was my second birth;
In a single instant
It couldn't be done
He worked on my heart
Til He knew it was won.
He took me on a journey
To His Calvary
Where He gave so much
So that I could be free.
That love and that mercy
I can't understand
When He suffered pain
Mortals could not withstand.
To think that He conquered
Sin and death for all men;
So that we can be with
Our loved ones again
And so we can experience
That changing of heart
Where commandments aren't burdens
And living well is an art.
We present our masterpiece
At the end of the day
And He'll see from our lives
If we've walked in his way.
Redeemer and Saviour,
Father and God,
Help me to follow the path
That you trod.

#0040

And exactly what is it
That gives you the right
To invade my thoughts and dreams?
Trust me when I say
You certainly haven't been missed.
Perhaps that seems unkind
But you packed up your cares
And all your emotions were
Swept off the table into a black bag.
Except the necklace
Which I wear as a trophy-
Symbol of survival.
You appear to be a bystander,
No longer involved in
The body of my dream,
But you haven't been expelled either.
I wish no harm upon you
Yet the bubble of the dream form
Could be phagocytosed and burst
Without tears falling.
Please leave.
I no longer recall the last time
I saw you in person,
Oh yes- it was as a mere acquaintance.
Which does not give you the right
To invade my thoughts or dreams.
So- be gone!
All the negative moments of my life
Are inseparably connected with you.
Soon, you won't even have that claim.
Figment of a rapid-sleep.
Disperse in the air
Like tiny fragments
Floating on the breeze
Dissolving into the atmosphere
Until you cannot be seen or heard;
Concentrated no more.

#0039

Flashes of light dance in your eyes
And it's mesmorising to think of it all;
The life that lies before you.
Just pause...
Just breathe...
Just allow yourself to bask
In the possibilities
Of what could be...
Who he is...
Who you are...
Seems irrelevant.
You're both here, right now.
You share this moment in the sun,
Turning your face upward
To drink in this blissful, ignorant opportunity to dream.
It might be that the bright burning
That makes you glow
Is too many miles away to count
But you enjoy the rays,
Cupping your hands to catch it
And drink it deeply into your soul.
You discover the effervescence of hope.
That tiny embryo of limitless potential.
Mapping out a future...
It is your choice.

#0038

I was so angry with him
I took my love away with me
I ran to the beach.
I was confused and hurt.
I went via friends and fun.
I took myself for walks.
Yet you were all I could think of.
I sat on the rock we knew well
Stared at the tide
And lost myself in the ebb and flow.
I traced your name in the sand
And wondered if there was a way back
Or had I marooned myself too far off
For the waves to carry me home?
I had climbed on board and drifted away
Allowing myself to be a wanderer once more.
I tasted the freedom of the salty air
And I longed to return to you.
So, never truly being an island,
I got in my car and drove back.
Back to the same storm I had left behind?

My first view of you
Sitting in the audience
To watch me sing my feelings...
Was the stillest moment I have ever known.
I will never forget your smile
As I felt the sudden calm
Of those warm, familiar waters.
The storm was over.

Rediscovered 008

I think of how unfair it is

That he can seem to turn off his feelings

Then I remember that I do that too

He’s just like me.

Maybe this is my punishment

Maybe it’s me getting a taste of my own medicine-

Being in love with him.

I get to know the sting and the ache

The way I make people feel.

It’s not so good to be

On the other end of the pride,

The stubborn battle of wills. 

#0037

It's more than lust
We have that too, of course-
I want him more than I ever knew it was possible
To want another person.
That isn't it though.
It is merely this:
the feeling that you are so close
That if their heart stopped beating,
Yours would shortly follow
As though they were knit.

Oh, the inadequacy of words!
The ineloquence of language!
Feelings cannot be purely expressed.
Yet I love him more than anything.
I want to keep his heart safe
In my own chest.
We share every emotion.
My heart leaps for joy at his happiness,
And sulks at his suffering.

It's a craving to know him better
Than he knows himself.
A greed and thirst for his mind and soul.
I want to comfort him,
Help him; appreciate him
More than anyone has or will.
I'd make any sacrifice.
He never asks more than I can give.

It's not necessarily a physical hunger-
Not sexually, anyway.
Merely the incessant longing,
Impossible to subdue,
To sleep in his arms
Waking to the voice of love.
Our tapestry of true love.

Rediscovered 007

Sometimes I don’t think about it,

There are moments that pass without the thought even entering my mind.

But then there’s the lurking fear that it’ll hit me...

It’ll hit me when I least expect it.

Like when I see a really cute puppy on the street

And I get out my phone, eager to let you know

Eager to share this moment with you...

And then I realise I have nowhere to send a text to

Or

When I wake up in the morning and feel happy

And I lie there, calm, letting the morning rays cast their light on my life

And then I realise that some part of me is still shrouded in shadow

The sun hasn’t been able to touch that part of me

that feels empty now.

I remind myself that this was a choice.

It was your choice.

You’d changed since you met me.

I’d helped you change.

So... maybe it was our choice.

But, oh sweetheart, when I lie in the morning missing you; your smell, your touch, your taste... Everything seems so unfair and I can feel the tantrum bubbling up in my chest, threatening to boil over.

And so here I sit.

Impatient

And not waiting

But I won’t move from this space without you. 

Rediscovered 006

I stare accusingly at the phone
As though, somehow, it is to blame
The source of my turmoil,
Confusion and pain.

I know you cannot read my mind
But I send you signals down the line
While I promise myself that I will not
Let you waste more of my time.

I think some people see no point
In the small issues of trust
The seemingly insignificant;
If you promise to call: you must.

I wonder if you are somewhere
Lying, dying, in a street,
The victim of a mugging
From those no one would wish to meet.

I decided the things you say to me
Must mostly be untrue
Your love is fair weather
And when convenient to you.

I stop expecting courtesies;
Explanations of your omission,
I'm going to stop accusing you
Or making special provision.

I conclude that you're no good for me,
Your kind of love's not great.
I hope some day you'll find someone
You appreciate.

I might take time forgetting you,
But when loneliness does attack
I'll remember the hours spent waiting for you
And never look back!

#0036

I miss your boat-shoes in my hallway;
The ones I threw into the river that time.
It made us howl with laughter to see them
Floating down the stream.
I miss them; as if seeing them would bring your laughter back.

I wonder if we'll sink or float.

#0035

A breath away
Yet too far to reach.
Excruciating anxiety
To fill these empty arms,
To live each moment for you,
To grant every wish;
Knowing you'll take five
And return me six, seven, eight...
Maybe more.
Undeserved yet gratefully received.
Somewhere along the way
Heaven sent you.

#0034

They've misused
and neglected
and scorned
and criticised
and compared
and lied
and injured
and betrayed
and mistreated
and denied
and afflicted
and discarded when I didn't play their game.
Yet all of this time, my shining star moved ahead
And fool that I was I neglected and betrayed.
I hid the truth and listed pros and cons
Ignoring the hurt that I was causing
To someone I loved.
And all because you weren't here.
All because I lacked patience
and faith...
and hope.
Wrapped in a black sheet carrying my burden;
The one that I placed upon you.
Oh, love, if you come back and lift it
My heart will break.
When I see your nature, your love,
I will pray for your anger to deal out my penalty.
Yet, if it so be that you calm my spirit
And envelope me in your tender mercy
And whisper to me sweet forgiveness...
I will follow you to the ends of the earth.
As you tread in the footsteps of the Master forgiver
Allow me to be just a step behind.
Walking in the shadow or sun.
Wind or rain or snow.
Let me learn from the way you walk.
In His light.

#0033

On the subject of friendship
I've heard it told
That it is worth much more
Than rubies or gold;
For they pick you up
When over you fall-
But more often I find
They just laugh at it all!
I wait for somebody
To lend me a hand
And discover they're finding it
Hard just to stand!
Why are they laughing-
Such noises of glee!-
When something unpleasant
Has happened to me?
A peculiar image
Comes into my mind
And I realise that they
Are not being unkind.
I see how ridiculous
I look on the floor
So I laugh along with them
And try to ignore
The injuries of ego;
They put arms around me
Talk to me about it
'Til I soon agree
That it was hilarious
No harm and no tears!
The best medicine's laughter
It works through the years!
Friendship is vital
To take us through life,
To keep us laughing
Even in strife!
And what could be worth more
Than that in the end?
To have friends around us
And in return, be a friend.

#0032

The indecision on your face is, at times, my favourite sight.
It delights me to know that you're on a knife's edge;
Eyes flick to hate or disapproval
But the corners of your mouth turn up.
You just can't help but smile at me
And my unreasonable nature.

The distraction sets in and our topic of conversation switches.
It moves quickly to talking about you and me;
But it's all hypothetical, of course.
Though we love each other... platonically!
You know I would hate to lose you
And vice versa.

#0031

Don't flatter yourself that it's about you
All you are is a catalyst,
A vector,
To my
loneliness.

Legs suddenly shaking and I have to sit down
Absorb the meaning of it all,
the implications
Of the news.

I was right to leave your cold arms where you slept
And wander out into the unsure night
To find more than this;
A shooting star.

My ragged breaths betray my calm exterior
Yet at least (ironically!) no one sees
The tears that fall.
I am
alone

Except for the pounding in my head and heart
Through the sudden burst of anxiety.
The rest of the world rushes on.
I am left behind.

But just when I think no one can understand my heartache
I remember that life is not so hopeless
As it can seem, and off the chair
I fall to my knees.

#0030

I bless the moment that didn't pass
Until we had finally met
It seems as though my soul knew yours
But how did we come to forget?
You give such meaning to my life;
I know we were meant to be friends
But I'm hoping that, my valentine,
This is not where the story ends.
You've awoken hope in me
For the joy that the future holds
And patiently, now, I'm waiting
Until that sweet moment unfolds.
I'm learning from you, through the letters you send
And the love that you constantly give;
You show me the selflessness that's central to
The way I would wish us to live.
I'm seeing the way love has its affects
On the people I care about most
Time separates hearts for a brief interlude,
But love doesn't give up the ghost.
I'm coming to know myself inside and out
And on your return you will find
A person who'll walk alongside you;
A woman who knows her own mind.
On this day, know I love you with all that I am
And everything I will soon be,
You are such an example;
My favourite missionary!

#0029

How to eliminate anxiety.

Paint your nails with the varnish you got free with the magazine.
Flop on the bed and nonchanlantly distract yourself by wondering what colour to redecorate your room.
Consider calming greens.
Pretend you own a pegasus. Light a candle and lie on your back.
Melting away in the flickering light.
Befriend denial.
Remember: If you don't think of it, it is powerless.
Imagine sitting outside a colourful beach house.
On a deckchair.
The sun beating down on your face.
Lock yourself in the bathroom creating the warmth by running a long hot bath.
Finally, slip under the blissful waters.

#0028

I no longer wrap love around me like a comfort blanket
Which, if withdrawn, promotes anxious cries
As though I am mortally wounded.
I had hidden under it
Not knowing what monsters lurked outside,
And not daring even to peek.

It was pulled from me

And I was forced to confront myself.

Numbness was no longer an option.

Dragged to my feet by the violence
Of the loss of your affections.

And, yes, I screamed. I cried. I kicked out.
I felt the unbearable weight pressing down on me.
You'd shielded me from that weight until my muscles atrophied;
The strength I once knew, forgotten.

The pain of imposed cold turkey.

Charged with the task of facing up to it.
Somehow I found I could.

Charged with forgiving and forgetting.
It took me longer to get to my feet.

Yet, as I stand here and realise that love should not bind
Or fill my mind with doubt and indecision;
That central to love is trust
And that goes both ways-
I look down at the floor,
My aid and succor,
And realise the thing I had over me
Was a straight jacket...

I'm finally safe in my own skin.
I can breathe, unrestrained.
I can beat the monsters now
From this new standing position.
Free to thrive.
Free to wrap my arms around someone
Instead of being wrap up and left to rot
In your supposed love.
I leave you where you lie on the floor.
I walk away.
Into the light.

#0027

Magpie.
There was just one
But I didn't turn my eyes away.
I smiled.
It stepped boldly nearer
And the memories were my companions.
Sorrow?
I looked again and saw
That there were two- there always had been-
Overlooked
Though the other had been.
I could not help but laugh at myself,
And the magpies.
There's always two
We just have to take the time to see.

#0026

I sit here in my tower
Unsure of why I wait
A few handsome princes have attempted
To rescue me from this fate.
Some were brave and cunning,
And so polite! but yet
In my mind was the man
Who was the first I met.
I do not know if he was a knight;
Though it was in his countenance
Yet I think he thought my love for him
Was more due to circumstance.
Our time together was all too brief
The love seemed heaven blessed
But something was urging him on
To persue a lofty quest.
He vowed to me he would be back
And into the sun he fled
It seemed to me all light grew dim
And the moon that night was red.
It's tiring to sit here
And be the one who stays,
Though keeping busy tends to pass
The most tedious of days.
With every set of hooves I see
My knight returning here
His head held high in victory
The path for us so clear.
I'll educate my mind so that
When that great day arrives
I'm prepared for the adventures
We'll chase together in our lives.

#0025

I hear love songs and sing along
My natural enthusiasm carrying me away
With the tune, the beat, the words.
It's incredible, really,
How easy it is to forget
For just a brief moment.
It's as if I suddenly snap back
Out of my daydream where at any second
You could walk through the door,
Plant a kiss on my lips,
And hold me.

Back to this.
I know I am lucky
I'm counting months now,
Not days yet; but not years either
And I still talk to you so much
I sometimes forget you can't hear it.

Perhaps I've changed from the girl who needed you.
I go to sleep with no kiss goodnight
And no tears over that either.
Occasionally I feel pangs of envy
For people who've met a long time after us
But get to act as though they love as deeply-
Well, how can they really?
But I leave them unaware that there is something more
Something that only comes from being apart
And living through that.
Until you have missed someone so much you can barely breathe and every moment keeps playing in your head and you fear the darkness that their absence has left you in and you fear the changes occuring within yourself that may take you further from being the person he loved,
I'm not sure you can truly say you know love.
Even in that there's a lie-
Because really, love is what is left when you realise you don't need someone,
But you want them desperately all the same.

So, my memory can fade without my resistance.
I'll let you go.
And one day you will walk right back in that door
And it will feel like you never left
And we will love, deeply.

#0024

I wake up this morning
Defeaned by grief.
I snooze; believing my hearing
Will be restored when I open my eyes again.

I stretch, and get out of bed.
I breathe.

I recognised the hole in my heart.
I light the candle on my sill,
To calm myself,
and get in the shower.
It seems to me there is still
Dirt on my right hand-
from yesterday.
I don't try and brush it off.

I forget to wash my face
And turn the water off, then back on.
The ease of this plunges me
Into dark thoughts.

I will never hear the simple:
"Is anybody home?"
And go rushing to greet him, as we did when we were young...
Though, perhaps I will one day?

I dry myself and reenter the room
Where the candle burns brightly.
I fear it will scorch the fragile plant beside it,
But I do not move the plant.

I dress and make the bed,
And am glad of the learned patterns within my brain
So I don't have to think as I do those things;
The everyday; the mundane.

As if in vague dreaming, I remember telling someone last night as I cried
How I mistrust people.
I berrate myself and determine to think that way less,
And as He did more.

I get into the car and, unthinking, begin to sing to myself.
It's a love song; unrelated to Him or yesterday.
I remember not being able to sing for Him
Through the tears.
I stop singing.
The tune dies on my lips.
The radio seems inappropriate
And I lose myself in thought.

When I pull up, I do not recall my drive.

Oh! The train is here! I'm going to be late! Better catch it!

And life rushes on...

#0023

The pain of losing you, I thought,
Was something I could use
To reveal depth of emotion;
Still realing from the news.
Yet, as I put pen to paper
I cannot think that I
Would show you disrespect to act
Like all you did... was die.
You went about throughout your life
Doing others good,
And to displace that memory
Is something I never should.
So this is no poem of regret
Or a ballad to goodbye,
Though it is true that I look back
and give a wistful sigh,
Then shake myself and recall the joy
And happiness that was shared;
I know that the call homeward came,
And that you were prepared.
The strands that came together in you
In the hands of the weaver
Were seen by all who knew you;
A true and firm believer.
You lived by the law of kindness
Staying close to God, you prayed
Being led to those who needed you
Willingly, you gave them aid.
You were no saint and I will try
And remember the good and bad
To give myself a real view
Of a true Person; Friend; Father and Granddad.

#0022

Slipping through
Careless hands
Watching you
As it stands
Eyes that see,
But you don't;
Hiding me,
So you won't.
Knowing love
Through your voice
Leaving me
With no choice.
I stand up
You'll see me
Waving arms
Set me free.
Turning from
Faceless dreams
Nothing is
As it seems.
You're not here
I'm not there
Winter chills;
Not a care.
Sit up in
Lonely Bed
Pounding heart
Aching head.
Silent wish;
Then to rest
Free from cares,
Feeling blessed.

#0021

I pull out the memories sometimes
To see if they've healed yet;
The product of time and distance
Or is there still regret?
I lay them out before me
Searching through the facts
Testing my recollections
I check how my heart reacts.
It may be I find, pleasantly,
There are things I have let go
And scars that I thought permanent
Evidence of healing show.
Unwanted memories creep in
When I lie awake at night
It seems they dare not stir
Until I have turned out the light.
Do I wish I had no images
Of the times which now are past?
No, for all the bad ones are far outweighed
By the good that I'm making last.

#0020

I push the rock out of anger; a careless nudge,

I lash out at my own will; seeing red.

With disbelief I see the massive stone begin to budge.

Open mouthed, my heart feels sudden pangs of dread.

Then the rock is rolling;

Decisions made

Too much said

The cat let out

of the bag.

Too late to take it back.

Accumulating speed.

Heart in my mouth.

Eyes wide.

Panicked.

A silent prayer no harm will come.

Secretly dreading the worst.

...that it hurts someone.

Some poor well meaning soul

who underestimated

The destructive influence of my rage;

Who bravely ventured outdoors

as all of the others sit

in their huts

shivering

cowering...

Hoping

my rolling wrath

is not

coming

straight

...for them.

Rediscovered 005

I love you because you possess a knack
So rare and yet so ill-appraised.
That skill I admire doth make thought transpire
To reflect love in all manner of ways.

You build a great bridge between the words that are said,
Thoughts and feelings that enter your mind;
And when it is crossed no sweetness is squandered
But converted to deeds that are kind.

And at the evening as I am raised to new heights,
That grant me a different view,
You will tell me you love me,and I will say:
"By your actions, I always knew."

#0019

I'm seeking after celebrity-
If she can get it, why not me?
I'd be grateful for the extra cash
Merely for pictures of me out on the lash.

I've heard them say that money is tight
So why succumb to a painful fight?
Better to be on the dole- Good idea!
I'll have an income throughtout the year!

I might try philosophy, which will link
With my ability to think...
Then I can sit there every day
And maybe someone will give me pay!

I wonder if I could get rich
By lying, motionless in a ditch,
Perhaps I'd be seen as a jerk
Who doesn't recognise the value of work?

Well, nevermind, they'd all be green
Green with jealousy, I mean!
Education? No point! You won't get work!
Just sit at home, lie back and shirk!

Some poor sucker on a nine til five
Will keep the whole of Britain alive!
Just remember the motto: take, take, take!
Oh what a society that would make!

#0018

My changing heart can ne'er decide!

Chameleon stripes suit the wearer!

I pin it to you and inside

All other teams are set aside;

I become your standard bearer.

What colour will I choose to stay,

When I am fixed as I will be?

It must be something to relay

The inner voices I obey

And who I am eternally.

Cinquain 003

Addict

I give myself

My Proper Name to hold

Close to my chest; don't show your cards.

Desp'rate

Clawing; reach to find a way out

Choking back my self doubt

Can't fail... break free

Escape.

Cinquain 002 (Garland)

White day.

Eyes shining bright.

Butterflies fluttering

Within a proud and grateful heart;

Yours; Mine.

Dressing...

A nervous smile

And we're ready to go

Into the car; quick camera flash

Set off.

Waiting

Greeting good friends

Laughter hiding the nerves

A hush falling over the church

"She's here."

Music

Make eye contact

You've never looked better

We smile shyly at each other

Take hands.

Promise

Finally here

Glowing; young and in love

We're setting out on a journey

I'm yours.

White day.

A nervous smile

Laughter hiding the nerves

We smile shyly at each other

I'm yours.

#0017

I didn't watch you walk away

Or ask you to come back to me

Perhaps I should have said, "please stay,

Until this dark night turns to day."

But I just hoped that you would see,

To disregard my angry cry

Enveloping and comforting;

Resistance wears down by and by,

and I'd lie in your arms and sigh

Grateful for care and supporting.

But, alas, too soon you were gone,

Instead of musing on the start

I'm wondering how life goes on,

Leaving me here to think thereon

Cursing the air; and all my heart.

#0016

My mother always quoted

Since before I could talk,

The poetry of Robert Frost

Whenever she went on a walk.

She talked about a yellow wood

And a choice between each path,

As we grew older we groaned aloud;

The consistancy made us laugh.

Yet, can it be that through passing years

I've found that his words somehow

Have come to resound within my soul,

Bearing meaning for me now?

In life I've seen roads not taken,

And I've closed so many doors,

But I do not regret the journey,

If, one day, the door I reach... is yours.

Rediscovered 004

I feel like I should write something

But I can’t find a rhyme.

I’m not able to concentrate,

I think about you all the time.

Sitting here, breathing in

The memories of you...

Maybe I should move on?

Yet, I don’t know what to do.

I know what lovers mean now

When someone goes away,

And they describe their whole world

As being shades of grey.

It’s not even black and white

Like some old-romantic scene,

I’m not Marilyn or Audrey,

Too young, just seventeen.

My world has been plunged

Into a sea of night

Because, without you,

None of this feels right.

I want to shout it to the world

That you’re my only one,

And I would have done just that-

But now... you are gone.

I felt as if you knew me better,

Than anyone ever had,

You completed me and that is why,

My world now feels so sad.

My face is a mask of joy

When all I feel is pain,

Why did you leave me?

Will I ever love again?

Did I love you in the first place?

Am I just too young to know?

Was I just weak and foolish?

Will this feeling fade as I grow?

So many questions,

Encircling my mind,

But all of the answers

Seem to have been left behind.

Love stories run through my head,

“You had me from hello,”

“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

And “I’ll never let go.”

#0015

I wish that I could fashion words the way you do

You use them with so much skill and so precisely

I feel sometimes that I have forgotten how to nicely

Phrase anything at all.

Cinquain 001

Sadness...

Over my heart,

The cold spreads; makes me numb,

And finally fades as the mem'ry dies...

Buried

Somewhere deep in my tortured soul,

Caged like a mockingbird,

Never to sing,

Broken.